It’s 6.30 pm on Monday, September 30, 2002.

Jackson, Mississippi.

I’m in a classroom starting a written test for my Adult Aspire program in Business Administration.

As I get stuck in, I think of the future business I’ll be able to build for my family.

For me and my then husband, for my grandparents - Mamaw and Papaw - and for my little brothers Seth, 17, and Clay, 12.

But as is right for a boy of his age, that evening Clay and his two cousins have more important business to attend to…

Boy business.

*****

“Get on the back, Clay, we’re putting out deer feed in the woods behind our Grandpa’s,” yells Josh over the nasal whine of the ATV engine.

“I gotta sit on the rack again?” yells Clay back.

“Until you’re older than us, that’s the way it’s gonna be,” grins Joseph.

Clay hops on the rack behind the seat and Josh revs the engine.

Dirt kicks up all over Papaw’s windows as the ATV zooms off down the road.

This time of day the road’s pretty empty, so the boys zip along at a fair whip with no one getting in their way.

But Clay knows there’s one spot they always gotta mind out for…

The Stop sign at the crest of the hill.

*****

We all live on my grandparents’ 50-acre property in separate trailers.

I pretty much raised Clay when our Mom wasn't around, which was a lot of the time what with her out drinking when my Step Dad worked the offshore rigs. 

And outside of his family and friends, Clay loves three things:

1. Monster Trucks

2. Wrestling

3. ATVs.

(okay, maybe 4: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons on Saturday mornings!)

Clay and his older brother Seth would zip up and down Papaw’s driveway on the ATV, dusting up the house and cars and getting an earful from Papaw.

But though he yelled and cussed, secretly he loved seeing Clay and Seth happy.

And dusty windows were a fair price to pay for that.

*****

“Slow down, Josh, the hill’s coming up,” yells Clay from the back of the ATV.

“Yessir,” yells Josh and salutes.

Now what happens next happens quick and so nothing can be certain.

But the way the Bronco driver coming from the side junction recalls it, this ATV full of boys comes over the hill real fast and he just wasn’t able to stop in time.

*****

I’m an hour into the test and my phone rings.

I blush and quickly put it on silent, and anyways, I don’t recognize the number.

I finish out the test, and do pretty well, I think.

Then I step out and call the number back.

“University of Mississippi Medical Center, how can I help you?” a tired voice answers. 

“I’m returning a missed call for Amy Renner,” I say, my heart beating faster now.

“I have some bad news, Mrs. Renner. There’s been an accident and your brother Clay isn’t doing too good.”

*****

My classmate drives me to the hospital, as truth is I’m in hysterics and can’t see right for the tears pouring from my eyes.

And as I run through the hospital corridors to the E.R., I pray to God to please leave Clay with me, he’s got a whole life left to live.

*****

My darling little brother’s body is all broken up.

His leg and arm are splinted up.

His head and one eye is all bandaged up too.

He’s so out of it that the eye that isn’t covered darts all over the place.

I hold his hand real tight until my Mom arrives with Seth.

And though I really want to let him know how much I love him…

I’m in such shock that I don’t say anything.

Turns out I never get to, either, because after that Clay is put in a medically induced coma.

“You’ve got to pull this miracle for me,” I plead with my biological father, who used to be a pastor.

He had helped heal others before, including me as a baby.

And I beg with God to let me change places with Clay, because I’ve lived half a lifetime more than him and I swear I’ll change places with him in a heartbeat.

But when my Step Dad arrives from offshore, the doctors take Clay off the oxygen machine to see if he can breathe on his own…

…

…

…

But he can’t.

And that guilt of not telling Clay I loved him when I had the chance haunts me and eats at me every day after.

And I really just hated God for a while.

Despite that hate, the weekend after we bury Clay, me and Seth get baptized…

But even that didn’t stop me turning that anger on myself and wishing that God would take me away too so I could be with Clay one more time.  

*****

Months later, Clay visits me in a dream.

I’m hugging Clay so hard and I just keep saying…

“Clay I’m sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You just need to know how much I loved you and how much I still love you and miss you every moment. And I'm just so sorry.”

And Clay says back to me:

“Amy, it’s okay, I know. I know that you loved me. You took care of me and took me to all those Monster Truck and WWF meets and it's okay. You don't have to feel that way anymore.”

And I’m holding onto him so tight and I’m crying with joy that I finally get to tell him how much I love him and then he says gently to me…

“Amy, I got to go.”